I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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