I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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