her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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