WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
