is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
