dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
