I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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