Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
