I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
