I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
