i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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