I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
