The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
