my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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