Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
