so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
