hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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