I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
FUCK WHALES
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
