Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize