I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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