A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
