Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize