Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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