there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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