in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
