remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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