Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm getting married
To pizza
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize
