someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
