If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
