Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
