Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
