You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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