mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize