My pussy is not your playground.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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