pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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