Will you blow on my dice?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize