We're facebook friends in real life
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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