Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
