he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
worst night to have a conscience
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
