New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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