dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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