Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
