he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
