Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
