K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
