he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
