My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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