This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
