First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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