I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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