Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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