Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
