He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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