why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
