im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
