Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i've created a new STD.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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