I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My ATM looks so different sober.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
