Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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