i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
