Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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